There are only so many things important in my life. My husband. My children. But once a while, I sit and wonder what she is doing. What she is thinking … Could she be thinking of me too? Probably not.
There are many moments I wish I had a mother with whom I shared a deep and true connection. I once saw a quote about how a daughter is the best friend you never thought you’d have.
But the relationship between my mother and me, similar to her mother and her, has come to a point where it is irreversible.
My mother grew up in a family where she was the youngest. She was much adored by her father, but her mother, biological, never took a liking to her. No one is sure of the reasons, or at least within my parents’ household, but one thing is for sure, because my mother lacked her mother’s love, she more than over compensated when she had children and it led to an overbearing, over protective and overwhelming parenting style.
Many a times we would argue, my mother and I, and I would not understand where she was coming from. Recently I found a book that is written with my mother in mind. This book, the manual to my mother and her episodes, calls her a toxic parent. A narcissistic parent.
And it couldn’t be more right.
The hardest thing I have done to date is becoming a mother. I am Mama to two beautiful boys. They are so young, so innocent. Which is why I needed to cut my mother off. Distance ourselves from her toxicity. Perhaps this post is my justifying my actions, perhaps not.
She’ll never read this and she’d never understand. But if she did read this, I hope she too finds the peace she needs to move on from her dead mother’s grip.
I am here because in order to give my boys the best, I can’t just learn a new parenting style. I need to be the new parenting style. And in order to do so, I need to peel off all the damage and toxicity that I have adopted over the years, and start anew.
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