A Reflection Piece

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I don’t have anything good to say today. Today was a gentle parenting fail. My thoughts are  shaky, my heart and gut knotted, my mind foggy. 

My toxic mother contacted me 4 days ago. 

Under the disguise of making up and trying to reconnect, she cut me so deep yet again. Not because I care, not because I was hoping things would work out, but because I even allowed her to text me. She said the Virgin Mary and God has enlightened her. She is saying sorry because she wanted to reconnect. She said saying sorry doesn’t mean that shes wrong but she wants me back bad enough she is willing to say sorry. She compared me to the sinful, frivolous, wrongful parable son in the Bible. She said, come home child. And she closed the text with if you don’t come home you’re never to see your baby sister again.  My littlest sister is like a daughter to me. She said she’s changed. That my dad too has changed. She said god is showing her the way. She said she didn’t mean to compare me to the parable son. She said she respected my boundaries – no she did not. She said I must respect her. She said I’m toxic. That I needed to forgive her and let things go. 

My toxic and narcissistic mother is suffocating. She siphons life out of me. She buries my clarity. I don’t hate her. In fact, I don’t feel much. I am just upset  that I even allowed her number to come through, allowed her to fill my head with her nastiness, allowed her to interfere with my zen and gentle parenting. 

I’m exhausted. 

And very sad that I won’t be able to see my baby sister again. I haven’t seen her in a year. The time during which a child is willing to hug or kiss you is so limited and I’m losing every golden second because my toxic mother has forbidden I see her. To her, I’ll soon just be a deceased soul that once existed in her life. A passerby who she may not recognize anymore. 

I am crying as I’m typing this. She is like a daughter to me. I’ve fed her milk from bottles, taught her to talk and mannerisms, saw her blossom to who she is today, and most importantly, she knew I was there when she needed help. She came to me when my mother called her fat. She came to me when my mother forcefully cut her hair and someone called her a mushroom head. She came to me when she was happy, but most importantly, when she was hurt and sad. I was her comforter and I was honored to be that. Now, it’s all over. 

My mother used my baby sister to lure me back in. She tells me that she’s teaching D a lesson about respect wheb she is really forcing me to abide her rules. And I know the part that scares me the most is that I’m leaving my baby sister with this evil. If I could, I would take her away and into my arms. 

I’d tell her everyday she’s perfect. She’s beautiful. She’s smart. I’d remind her there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’d explain to her she’s only beginning to blossom and there is so much more that life has to offer. That not everyone is toxic or evil. I’d make sure to hug her and kiss her daily. 

She has 8 short and long years before she can decide to come to me on her own. 8 years. 

D, 

May you be blessed with resilience against her evildoing, love to keep you shining, intelligence and perseverance to outdo her cunningness and toxicity, and empathy to keep on loving yourself and others.

With love,

Your sister