Life. 

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It has been months since my last post. And it’s not an excuse, rather it’s just life. Things came up and they took priority over my ability to journal them. 

We wonder at times what a survivor of toxic parenting is like and how it affects their willingness to have a family or become a parent. Personally, I always knew I wanted children, but it never crossed my mind that having children would actually equate to becoming a mother. Seems like a silly thought at first but I think there is so much truth to that; the physical delivery and journey of pregnancy doesn’t make someone a parent – it makes them baby machines, not parents. 

The responsibilities, worries, lack of sanity moments and everything in between of being a mother meant nothing to me then. But it is so real now. Every part of being a decent and good parent is real: real hard, real emotional, real work, and real happenings. 

But the other side of being a parent that I did not give enough credit is the continued existence of the self. Yes, we are a mother, a parent, a caretaker – but all of this happens simultaneously while we continue to also being a woman or man, employee or boss, wife or husband, etc. And each and every one of those titles brings with it many many more responsibilities and duties, and wants and needs. 

And that’s what crept up in my life. 

I was so consumed and overwhelmed in trying to become a gentle parent that I forgot: first, I am me. 

I spent the last bit of 2016 reflecting and more importantly, making changes to my marriage to revive it. But also, tending to my own self. It’s crazy how little has been done yet how great it’s affected me and my marriage. There’s a lot at stake, and there’s a lot of work. But we’re making it work; and we’re enjoying it every bit of the way. 

Someone once asked if love and normalcy is possible for adult children of toxic parenting. Nothing is impossible. But it sure doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. 

I like to believe that I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses but that doesn’t make me immune to the tides of everyday life carrying me whichever way it wants. I still overlook things, I still get emotional, physical and un-gentle. 

It’s about adopting a real, gentle lifestyle – not just gentle parenting. 

… This post is all over the place. It’s life though, isn’t it?